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Work Update

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I’m sure you’re wondering about the new job.  To be honest, I’m kind of wondering the same thing.

I spent the first month trying to wrap my arms around my undefined job title and functions, and learning the company processes.  Then I found out I was pregnant and that really threw me for a loop.

I instantly became Not Myself, and when things went downhill, who could focus on job functions when real life was falling apart?  Everyone was very understanding, but I was making  a lot of mistakes and feeling very sheepish in general because my head just wasn’t in the game.

In the last couple of weeks I have started to feel more like myself again, and now my boss is in some kind of weird mood.  He took those of us in the local office out to lunch, only to spend the entire time bitching about how we need to be more autonomous but he can’t trust us to do our jobs correctly.  Interesting.

He’s managed to piss off all of his support staff, but he’s been out of town for most of the last month or so, so we are hoping that he’s in a better mood once he gets into the office on Monday.

Personally I am dreading his return and hoping for a change in his demeanor.  I know that I’m going to have to start being more confrontational with him in order to get my job done to the best of my ability, and I’m not sure how that is going to go over.

I had to go to a continuing education class at the end of July.  The topics were interesting, but it really drove home to me what I had been ignoring all along: I don’t want to do this anymore.  I’ve outgrown being someone else’s employee, and a location change isn’t going to change what’s inside me.  I’m unhappy in my work life right now.

I want to work for myself and have more autonomy to fail or succeed on my own.  I’m currently trying to fight the ennui and put some things into place that will make walking away from my job easier on me and my family financially.

I’m enjoying the remarkably lower stress level of the new job, as well as the larger paycheck.  I’m just not willing to do all of this much longer.


I can’t believe it’s been so long since I was last here.  Life has been a crazy rollercoaster of a ride since January.  Here are the updates:

In late February I found out I was pregnant.  Total shocker.  We tried for a few years to get pregnant and were basically told that there was no good reason why we weren’t, we just weren’t.  So we gave up on having a  baby and then BAM.

I had my first two doctors appointments in March.  On March 7th I went alone and saw the baby via ultrasound, but I was only about 5.5 weeks along so there wasn’t much to see.   On March 24th my husband got to go with me to see the baby, and we were estimated at about 8 weeks along or so.  We saw and heard the heartbeat.  Our due date was estimated at October 31.

April 4 was supposed to be my first “official” OBGYN maternity appointment, but on April 1 I found out my job was changing insurance companies on May 1 and the new insurance would not be accepted by my wonderful doctor.  On April 13 I went to a new doctor, had another ultrasound (baby growing like a weed, zipping around inside me) and confirmed that I would be going to a specialist to have Downs screening done.  The specialist called and the only appointment available was April 29th, my 39th birthday.

On April 29th we went to the screening where the ultrasound tech discovered a large encephalocele on the back of the baby’s head.  We were told this was a fatal deformity.

On May 4th we went in for a second opinion, only to find that the encephalocele had progressed and the baby’s brain was herniating out into the sac outside her skull.  Prognosis: if the baby survived to birth, she would live perhaps hours outside the womb.

On May 11th we consulted with a high risk OBGYN in another county to discuss termination of the pregnancy due to the risk to my health and the poor fetal prognosis. On May 12th the procedure was performed.

June and July are a bit of a blur.  I went back to work on May 16th and threw myself into work since I had virtually no time off and had just started the job.  It’s now August and the fog is just starting to lift.

I’ll post about the job later.

End of the First Week

Pelican Nebula with North America

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I resigned from my old job on January 14, took the following week off, then started at my new job on Monday.  I’d been looking forward to it, but I was also dreading the end of my loafing around the house in my pajamas all day.

I expected things to be slow the first few days, and on Monday they were.  My trainer works in another office, and she wouldn’t be in until Tuesday so she asked me to watch some recorded webinars on Monday.  Yawn.

Tuesday was live training, which turned out to be a lot of fun.  Wednesday was boring as hell.  Thursday went pretty well, and then today (Friday) was awesome.

The trainer has figured out she doesn’t need to babysit me.  The staff is starting to feed me work that is my actual job, and everyone is so friggin nice.  I also got my final paycheck from the old job.  It was nice to be able to go there, get the check and then leave and go to a job I enjoy.

Life is good.

A New Project

My car broke down a couple of weeks ago and needed the dreaded transmission replacement.  That means we will not be going up North for Thanksgiving like we do every year.  That means I will be home the entire month of November.

That means NaNoWriMo.  I got a story idea a couple of days ago and I’ve been outlining the hell out of it in anticipation of starting it November 1.

See you December 1!

Losing (& Finding) Religion

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When I was a kid I was at church most everytime the doors were open.  My earliest memory of church was attending Sunday School,then refusing to go to children’s worship.  I remember sitting in the big people church and telling my grandmother I didn’t feel well.  Then I threw up in her purse in the middle of the sermon.

I know of God.  I believe I have had a relationship with Him.  I’m just not sure how to do that anymore.

When I moved to Florida I left behind a thriving church family.  We keep in touch, but it’s not the same, and when I go back it feels different.  The church is astronomically bigger now than it was during my Sunday School teacher tenure.  They even broadcast online now.

We tried finding a church here, but nothing fit right.  I gave up after a while, though I haven’t tried all the churches in town.

A few years ago I started reading Real Live Preacher, just as Gordon Atkinson was about to publish a book of essays.  I bought the book and it it still one of my favorites.

One of his essays is about his friend, who is a Rabbi.  Mr. Atkinson’s religion tells him that there is only one path to heaven – through acceptance of Jesus Christ as Savior. (I can’t find that essay, but he wrote something similar here.)  Mr. Atkinson is bothered by this because that means his friend the Rabbi won’t go to heaven.  Right?  I mean, that’s how it’s supposed to work, isn’t it?

I had a discussion with a friend in singles group at the church once.  He was having this same struggle, and I told him about the essay, and how the author said something along the lines of: how could there possibly be only one way to heaven, and this was the only one?  I agreed with how this preacher felt, and it shook up my view of religion, faith, and God.

I’ve been out of the religion game for a while, but now that I’m in OA, the talk is all about “higher power” and how that doesn’t necessarily have to be God.  It can be whomever or whatever you want it to be.

I’m intrigued by this.

It seems everything I touch and read these days is about how religion is a personal experience, a choice.  We can take the best bits of everything, and get what we need.  There is no right path, because they all lead to the same place.

I love that this theme keeps repeating itself to me.