Category Archives: Musings

Deep Cleansing Breath

Black and white outline of left hand

Image via Wikipedia

I managed to hurt my finger again.  More gravy!  I was testing the gravy at home to see if it was warm enough, and without thinking I dipped my not-completely-healed finger into a small amount on a spoon.  It was so hot it burned my fingertip.  It’s feeling much better today but is still red.

None of my clothes fit me anymore.  Well, they do, but they are uncomfortable and my choices are limited.  I got on the scale today and it read 242.4, so that explains it.

I’m a mere .6 away from my heaviest weight of this year, which is where I was when I started SparkPeople in January.  All that work down the drain.

I know why I gained.  I’ve been depressed and not really caring about my weight.  I’d been lazy, and eating everything in sight.  Being healthy is hard work and I am LAZY.

I realize that I need to treat myself better.  I started working out with a friend in the evening (we’re doing various DVDs in her humongous living room after work).  I’m not crazy about it, but it’s not the company, it’s just my natural inclination to want to go home and lounge around eating peanut butter.

I signed back in to SparkPeople today, and I’ve been logging my food.  Mostly fruits and veggies, but then again it’s only 10:30 in the morning.

I can do this, because I’ve done it before.  It doesn’t matter if it’s the holidays, because they are each only one day per month.  I need to take better care of myself.  I want to fit back into my clothes!

  1. Logging every bite.
  2. No candy.  Who needs it?
  3. Exercising at least 10 minutes per day.
  4. Speak kindly to myself.

Walking Wounded

Broken heart sewn back together

Image via Wikipedia

The night before kitty died, I found her in her pen in bad shape.  I knew the end was near, so I plucked her up and gave her a nice warm bath, wrapped her in a fluffy towel still warm from the dryer, and carried her around like a baby.

We generally eat dinner in the livingroom (horrible habit, I know, but a habit nonetheless) and I put her on the couch between us so she could be part of the family one last time.

She was so precious and weak.  Her nose twitched when she smelled dinner, so I put a small spot of gravy on my left index finger for her to lick off.  I misjudged her weakness and she misjudged my gift, clamping down on my finger in a frenzy of chomping. 

Her canine went nearly through my index finger.  When I was able to get her loose my husband bundled me off to the bathroom to fix me up.  We returned to dinner and treated her as though nothing had happened.

I steadfastly refused to go to the doctor, so the next few days were this: me constantly picking, poking, squeezing and cleaning my wound.  I doused it in alcohol, I drained it, I bandaged it.  I rebandaged it.

Yesterday afternoon I did a thorough cleaning (I’ll spare you the gory details) and when I was finished all that was left of a nasty wound was a pinkened raw area on my fingertip and a slight divot.

Today the wound is even less.  I predict by Friday it will be a mere memory.  I can use it for typing already, even now.

This was by far the worst wound she ever inflicted upon me.  It was painful and it throbbed and got infected, and it made it hard to type.  It’s also the last wound she would ever inflict upon me, save for my broken heart.

In just a few days all of the wounds will be internal.  Time will heal those, too, I suppose.

Saving Grace

Louise Carbasse ca. 1913 / photographed by Rud...

Image by State Library of New South Wales collection via Flickr

My 20 year old cat died over the weekend.  I got her when I first moved out on my own right after high school.  She was old and I knew it was coming.  Her passing was sweet and peaceful, but it still hurts a lot.

NaNoWriMo starts today and I wasn’t sure how I would cope with having to write on top of processing this loss.   I’ve got an outline, so I just started writing.

Three hundred or so words in and I can already feel it starting to save me.  Writing always seems to save me, no matter what else is going on in my life.

How do other people cope without it?

Wishes & Wonders

Kathmandu sunrise

Image via Wikipedia

An amazing thing happened yesterday: my boss, the hateful snake, got canned.  The official story is that he is moving on to other opportunities within the corporation, but I tell you, there was quite a bit of drama yesterday.  There were tears. 

I didn’t shed a single one.

The new boss has been introduced and takes control tomorrow, and who knows where that will go.  For now, I’m just glad to be rid of the other guy.  A lot of us are.

I have been so miserable the past 18 months and didn’t even realize how much.  My husband told me that last night was the first time in 18 months I had come home smiling.  I didn’t dread coming in to work this morning.

In fact, it still hasn’t completely sunk in that he’s gone.

My focus for so long has been to survive this place long enough to get out, and now I get to enjoy my job again?  I don’t even know how to do that!  I’m going to try.

In the meantime, I need to continue to focus on getting my own business off the ground.

Bullet Update

a taiwan exolorsive rocket.

Image via Wikipedia

  • Recovery (as in OA) seems infinitely harder when you’ve told people.  I’ve told a few people, but not many.
  • I haven’t told my husband.
  • I got an online sponsor and I love her.  She’s great.
  • I found out today that she may be sponsoring at least one other person, as well.  That kind of bothers me. 
  • It probably shouldn’t.
  • I got an email from The Well Fed Writer yesterday regarding group mentoring starting this month.  I can’t afford it now.
  • I am planning to participate in the very next one available after tax refund time. 
  • I cannot wait for tax refund time.
  • I finally FINALLY got my hands on a package of Sharpie Pencils.  The jury is still out on how I feel about them.
  • I have a very bad attitude about work these days.
  • This attitude will probably get me fired if I don’t start keeping my mouth shut again.
  • I saw a picture of a rocket launching today (not the one on this post) and it really inspired me.  That’s how I’m feeling right now.

Easy as Pie

The weather in my area has been delicious the past several days.  It’s like summer just stole away in the middle of the night.  I love the fall, and it takes forever for it to get here.

A very dear friend sent this to my cell phone:

 

This is my favorite restaurant in my home town.  I used to always want to go there for special occasions.  I really miss it.  I miss home.

Letting Go

10 of 365 - Let Go
Image by admitchell08 via Flickr

A few years ago I got involved with someone, and it was quick and intense.  It was one of those online things that shoots off like a rocket, and then when you’re no longer blinded by the flare you realize it’s nothing more than vapor in the night sky.

Everytime I hear the song “Beautiful Disaster” by Kelly Clarkson, I think of him:

And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right

Oh and I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

He is one of those men that, when his father tried to toughen him up, went the opposite direction.  He was somehow more whiny, more indignant, and more victimized than the average male.  This wasn’t readily apparent in the beginning, blinded as I was by his good-natured charm and generosity of spirit.  Unfortunately the bad outweighed the good.  That’s how it goes sometimes.

I ended the intense romantic part of the relationship but, at his insistence, kept in touch.  His idea of keeping in touch has been reaching out to me romantically, but always more “why don’t you love me anymore?” than “do you ever miss what we had?”  I have kept in touch partially by fielding these inquiries, and partly by saying “hi” when I feel lonely and need an ego boost.

I accept my part in our little drama.  I feel guilty about it, and then we interact, then things grind to a halt, and he’s off my radar for a time.

I did us both a favor the other day, and I deleted him.  He’s no longer a Facebook friend, not on my Blackberry Messenger, out of my contact list.  I never memorized his phone number so I don’t have that to worry about.  I deleted all of his old emails and emptied the trash.  I took the love note he wrote me out of my wallet and shredded it.

It’s not like we can’t find each other if we really need to, because that is entirely possible.  I just can’t imagine why we would need to be in contact.  I would imagine in a few years he will pop into my mind and I will search my synapses for his last name, unable to find it.

At least I hope that’s how it goes.